Stop

One of the fastest ways to deescalate a big blow-up is to stop and take a break. CFK parents who have participated in our support programs shared that they take a few deep breaths, go for a walk, take a “mom time out,” or give a hug.

Refocus

We all have times where we react without thinking - more often than not, these moments are fuel for power struggles. Lisa Ruman, LISW, CHt, of The Child and Family Counseling Center of Westlake, reminds families that it’s important to check in with ourselves. Questions like, “am I stressed out from work?” or “am I really hungry?” can give us insight on why tempers flared in the first place.

Recognize

Dr. Ross Greene, a child and adolescent psychologist and author of “The Explosive Child” reminds families that “kids do well when they can.”

It’s tempting to decide that your child is trying to manipulate you or that they just want to get your goat - but that can also be the easy way out.

Even if your child’s behavior is inexcusable, Dr. Greene suggests that if your child had a better way of handling things, they would have used it.

Reframe (and collaborate)

After stopping to refocus on your own feelings and recognize what’s going on with your child, it’s time to deal with the problem. If your child doesn’t have the skills yet to change their behavior, it can be helpful to reframe. From Sonia’s perspective, it might look like this:

“Justin was overstimulated from the bus ride when he hit his brother, but at least he was able to keep his impulses in check until he was safely off the bus.”

Collaborating with your child, using a framework like Dr. Greene’s Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS), is a longer-term solution. Using CPS, families work with their child to come up with a solution – so the child has better skills to handle problems in the future (learn more about CPS in this podcast).